#this is my 8th TDOR

[butcheroes]

Transgender Day of Fucking Remembrance

[violet-everbarker]

Trans Day of Remembrance post

content warning for suicide

Today is Trans Day Of Remembrance. I've felt a very strange mix of emotions leading up to today. Sorrow, melancholy. Duty. It's my first TDOR as someone openly trans. My first TDOR after starting transition and HRT.

And it's my first TDOR after having lost someone in my life.

The person I want to honour on this day is Lilith, or Lily. We weren't friends for very long, but she was sweet and adorable. She was a fan of 40k, she was a puppy girl. She was short, shorter than me even.

She started HRT on the 29th of March, 2024. One month before her birthday. I was so fucking happy and excited for her. I'd seen her be sad often, and struggle often, so that was like a ray of sunshine amidst a not so sunny world.

She died on May 8th, 2024. So shortly after her birthday. So shortly after starting HRT.

That was my first time experiencing what among us trans folk is a sadly way too common experience. My first encounter with that dark shadow that looms over us constantly. A grim reminder of a dark reality.

Grief has been a constant companion for me throughout this entire year. I'm not going to make this too much about my suffering though.

Because besides grief, there is hope. After what happened, I picked myself up with an invigourated energy. One week later, I went to see my doctor. I was committed to succeeding. No more waiting to be in a "better" or "ideal" place. If things can end so abruptly, I want to cherish my time.

45 days after her passing, I started HRT. When I did, I cried. I cried for myself, and for her. Despite the hurdles, despite the obstacles. I almost didn't get my shipment. I spent a large chunk of my savings on this stuff. I had to come out for the first time to a person because I needed blood tests.

But I felt a responsibility to Lily, and to myself. A responsibility and a duty. A duty to take something so horrible, something that shouldn't happen to anybody, and to find drive from it. To find drive instead of despair. To allow me and others to look forward instead of getting stuck looking backward.

I will always remember you Lily. You've given me strength I could not muster for years. I will honour that forever.

If any of you ever feel despair, no matter where in your journey you are, you are an inspiration to others. Others want you to succeed in life. I want you to succeed in life. Remember those who came and went before us. Let the past inspire our future.